London: Directions Or Death Or Taxes Or Tea

Oh hello. I am back in Notting Hill because I found a coffee shop I like and I am a creature of habit. I have been here for three days and haven't even seen the sights yet. I should explain that... The way I like to be a tourist is to just live in the place for a year or so until it's charm wears off (like a relationship, I know). Then, when people visit me, I go do touristy things- like make disparaging remarks about third world countries while counting my monies.

A comic friend of mine was visiting London and I went to see him do a set. The crowd (a lush sea of different breeds of white people) was totally on board with him until he started making fun of third world countries. I could feel the collective assumption that Americans were exactly what my friend was mocking. At first they saw him joking and then he was Cheney in a cigar room rolling his eyes at compassion. They knew we were no good.

I was going to go up, but I was late... I was late because I stopped to ask for directions. "Abbey, what?!" Oh yeah- let me demonstrate:

Me: Do you know which way the Kings Cross Tube Station is?

Bloke: yeah love, you're going to want to turn around and walk up this street until you get to those traffic lights about 12 meters up, do you see them?

Me: yes.

Bloke: Okay then, you'll turn a corner there and walk a bit longer... are you thirsty? if you are there is a market on the left here and they stock the fridge with fresh water. After you leave the market, you might need the lou... you're going to have to wait until you get to the station- unless you want to dip into the spreadeagle pub- you could, it's a poof bar, but you're a lady, so they wont mind too much...

20 minutes later I am walking the 5 minute journey to the tube and missing my shot to tell everyone in London how much my Mom loved Princess Diana and pander to them by making fun of Bush- then some Louis CK jokes they probably haven't heard. I am going to be so FAMOUS, I will get to meet Louis CK someday. We'll probably talk about how lucky we are to fly in airplanes.

In other news, the cross walks have a very amiable fellow showing you the proper walk in London. In case you're blind a speaker projects a British male suggesting "pardon, you are free to walk now, unless you're comfortable, then please mind your will. However, if you do decide to cross, look left in case a bobby is approaching in an urgent fashion- no, I don't see that happen- uh oh, times up, oh well. next time."