First Impressionist

Well Bonjour gang, or as they say in French “rein”, which is French for "nothing" and I am getting that a lot. I am sitting in a cafe in Champs-Élysées and have found the biggest surprise, so far, to be the number of people who barely understand or speak English here. What is this? A third world country? I thought Europe was well traveled because of their EuroRail system... haven’t they taken holiday in London? Perhaps they are like me (doubt it entirely) and are terrified of traveling 26 miles under the English Channel. It only takes 10 minutes because you are traveling at the speed of dimmed light- what could go wrong?!

I am such an idiot coming in here without knowing the language- and no amount of podcast lessons could have prepared me. There is nothing to learn from me, I am American. We pretty much got everything from France (ask lady liberty or any French person). The only contribution we have given expanding art's palette is rap and stand up comedy. I would detest America a little too. I am so sorry France, but you are responsible for burlesque, so I think you should just check your pretension vest at the door; We're even.

Although, the French rap video I saw was pretty amusing... “weekie weekie weekie,” the rapper said (like a turn table). What can you expect from a government employee? Oh yeah, France employs it’s citizens as artists. It’s very important here. Well, you know what France?! I don’t have to take this from you- we have plumbing and electricity- also Benjamin Franklin. Thank goodness he was involved in our make up, other wise we’d be third world already. If we were any closer, geographically, to Europe- we’d be Poland. I really hope my polish friend didn’t read that- she wont- for obvious reasons.

On a brighter note, I hear French men love American women... I have noticed that they're intrigued when I talk. They will tire very quickly after I learn how to say “why aren’t you saying anything?” (verbs are tricky).

LOOK HOW PRETTY I AM WHEN I AM SOME ONE ELSE!