Lost In Translation, But With More Jokes- Lost.

Bonjour.

You know you’re in Paris when... Hey I just said “urine”! That should about do it for me, this blog could write itself on that gust of wind.

You can walk almost anywhere in Paris during the Spring and see what all the fuss is about. Even the Parisians are excited when the sun comes out, which might be why they take to peeing in what must be drones. It is the worst smelling urine I have ever encountered- the pee smells like the men’s bathroom in a bar that is notorious for bad decisions. It’s like they are trying to ward off stray cats here! Well, I haven’t seen any, so I think we can learn something, AMERICA.

It’s going to take more than putrid streets to keep this kitten in the house. Which is why I went to a language meet up/ picnic today, to practice French and meet people. Basically the group was too big to do language practice and no one wanted to be my friend because they all brought food and I brought postcards.

Like it were my idea to have a picnic at the Eiffel Tower, they should have hosted it at the grocery store if food was so fucking important. Give me back my postcards!

It was 70 degrees and there were representatives from all over on this patch of grass in the Champs De Mars (the park in front of the Eiffel Tower). There were Italians, French, Lebanese, South Africans, Americans and Hungary. Uh oh... did somebody say “hungry” in front of the American stand up comedian?!

I asked a woman where she was from and she said “Hungary” and I said “I was just there, but I got a crepe!” and she said “oh! where were you?” I answered her “South Kensington, London, really- I like your hair.” Can’t wait to take to the stage here, someone invited me to their improv group and I squatted down and yelled “je suis une chaise!” (I am one chair)... I’m so in.

I ended up at a party later that night, but on my way to the party I was walking down Rue Saint Germain listening to my ipod, when someone swooped up on my left side with some important news! He started speaking French with some urgency to me, very quickly and I politely told him I didn’t understand, so in broken English he basically told me I looked amazing, he was only here one night and asked me to go this party with him. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!

Before I left the States for Europe my ex gave me the best going away present you can get before heading to Paris... He sat me down to watch Taken. Taken is a movie starring Liam Neeson, who plays a dad (and former CIA operative) of a hot piece of virgin ass that gets kidnapped and sold into human trafficking. Basically they trick pretty girls into going to parties, then they tie them up, fill them with drugs and sell them to really sweet guys that can’t meet a good girl because they have so much money. Anyway, I have been on my guard- even at the museum!

FELLOW: [brushing past me] “Pardon.”

ME: [crouching down and shitting my own pants] “NO!”

I heard that if you’re ever getting raped, or about to, you should try shitting your own pants. The thing is, there are times where I can’t even shit my own toilet for a couple days, but I don’t have to worry about rape then because my belly sticks out a little. In conclusion, almost being forced into human trafficking/ sex slavery is the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me and it gave me so much confidence at the party I was originally planning to go to. I made like three new Facebook friends and my hymen is still in tact... and when I say “hymen”, I mean like “hi, men... over here... no? okay- maybe after I poo poo.”