Parenting In Paris, Also Hitler And Stuff

I got on the Metro going the wrong way today, so I am in an unfamiliar arrondissement resigned to make the best of it in Paris. I am still waiting for a waiter (more like “wait her”, I am so right!) to come serve me. The leniency they show themselves in helping patrons in this city never ceases to annoy me. I like the idea that I will finish what I am writing and then, my waiter will show up and do his fucking job... [keep in mind, I have been sitting here longer than I've been writing] If I were the president I wouldn’t have to deal with this... why can’t I be different than who I am- like be the President?

I work for a family with three boys, the oldest is five and totally into muscly super heros, another is four and adores princesses. He has princess shoes, purses and jewelry. He always speaks with his hands in such a way that leaves his nails in grand display. His mom brought him home some press on finger nails and he was thrilled- his father- not so much. [my waiter just took my order, let’s see how long it takes him to bring it around]

The dad is concerned that his son is going to get picked on in school for "this" (the horror of a boy in lavender) and so he gets short with his wife and tries to discourage "this" (sparkly butt-holes) from happening. I understand his concerns, but kids will make fun of the cheese in you lunch box and it can destroy you if you don’t have a strong sense of who you are and that it’s okay to be you. If this boy can’t wear press on nails at home, where is he safe to express himself? I don’t think we need to worry for our young friend, the mom has a strong enough voice and knows what’s right, the boy will be fine, but definitely a bottom, when the time comes. [my coffee just arrived] I mean, she’s no Britney Spears, but she does what she can.

There is almost nothing we can do for boys fashion in Paris, they will likely all grow up thinking that a popped collar and embroidered pockets are reasonable things to wear. That, or they will be incredibly dapper. I say this while I am wearing running shoes, leggings and a scarf. My hair is in a pony tail and I feel helpless to confectionery during this time of the month. A lanky Japanese woman sits down with her friend beside me in a very well thought outfit and I shrivel inside because I don’t know myself. If I did, I would be happy and, I am convinced, incredibly fit/ rich.

I gave up on making a long-term life in Paris less than a month ago and I continually day dream about going back to America. I am doing stand up again this week and have likened telling jokes to people with English as a second language to what it would be like if the entire audience were Benjamin Franklin, but in 2011 and he doesn't know it. I may have to prepare more oil lamp/ calligraphy jokes and NEVER mention how France folded under the slightest pressure of Hitler’s thumb, like a over-ripe peach. With that, all the integrity it bore died with millions of others... Hey, I didn’t say that, I channelled it.

I like the idea of being harshly critical of people/ places and rebuking all responsibility by claiming I am just a clairvoyant channelling something else. How special I am to bring this news to tens of people! [just paid the check]

I know there are people that love Paris and I don’t blame them. It’s beautiful and distinct, maybe that brings out a feeling of being that when you're here. However, in comedy I need a home, a place where I can tuck my balls, put on my princess shoes, press on nails and say whatever I want to say and that it is not only accepted, but celebrated. I am moving back home to Denver when I get back, where ball-tucking is as notorios as cross-dressing... that's not really the issue here.

Osamabama Ding Dong

I woke up and went to work this morning. I was greeted with the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. My French employer was very excited, sitting in front of the TV telling me “Osama Bin Laden is dead!” I replied that he “probably died of old age,” which confused my boss, but through the haze he managed to explain to me “no, he was killed. Obama killed him.” Oh, gotcha. I watched the news with him for a few minutes, long enough to hear some old white guy talking to Wolf Blitzen about the future. He proudly recited “We’re going to hear a lot about ‘Obama got Osama’...” I wished, at that moment, someone American and comedically inclined were sitting with me to riff on that televised moment. There was no one in the room I could talk to; to laugh with. That man felt like he was the first person to say something that was, undoubtedly, going to be sweeping the country- a colloquial sensation all the kids will be slang-talking about. So good, in fact, the Bush administration had their opportunity to get Osama themselves, but after Palin was announced as the vice-presidential candidate, they let him go, knowing Obama would win. What were potential lives lost with the possibility of that phonetic gem looming in the distance.

On top of this, I read that it is extra dangerous for Americans living abroad right now. I haven’t been so excited to die since I bought a discounted airline ticket for September 11th. How great a death, to die a martyr to a country I abandoned 49 days ago. I would try to do something heroic before I went, like save something... a person or some plaster on the inside of a building... “nooo!” I would yell, throwing myself in front a stray bullet about to hit the wall. A French officer would gently pick up my dying body “why did you do that?” He would ask and in perfect French, I would answer “the plaster was laid in 1972, it’s older than me and I respect the history.” After that, my life would leave me and France would hold a renewed reverence for the Americans. Individuals would be free to travel with unearned respect for about 9 months before they ruined their reputation by insisting the portions are “muchos peetit” and that the "gare-son" was being “treyz woode”. However, I would die a legend, like Roosevelt coming to the aide of France during WWII, I would also be remarkable.

This couldn’t happen at a better time, because I am ready to get situated to living here. I am joining a gym and signed up for internet. If I die a legend now, someone else will finish my book and I will be posthumously famous, everyone I had loved would only recall me being an amazingly brave person with so much potential. What a waste and it wouldn’t even be my fault. It would be no one’s fault and I would never be judged negatively again. I like the idea that I could be this lazy, while I simultaneously hate the idea because it is the fantasy that keeps me from writing or working on something inspired. At least Obama got Osama- AMIRIGHT rich white guy on Wolf Blitzen?!