I got a late start on writing today, but told myself that despite my resistance to do what I needed to do to create a sense of accomplishment, I would write... something. I would also run and I did, but I cried a little afterward, not sure why, but managed to pass it off as allergies in case any observer caught it and didn’t care anyway. What if some nice French lady came up and asked me “what’s wrong?” and I couldn’t understand, so I just start blubbering through every French greeting I know in replace of answering her question. What if, indeed, she would simply stop caring because I sound so stupid when I talk.
I met two Americans yesterday and I think we’ll be friends, although I am pretty sure the only reason they live here is for an excuse to drink openly in the morning with out public ridicule. They were very enthusiastic that I would also take to drinking a lot, also... did I already say “also”? I felt like telling them if my ex couldn’t make me an alcoholic, Paris definitely wont. However, I am drinking whiskey while the sun is still out and waiting to meet friends for absinthe. I am drinking alone because I need to write in public, but it’s too late for coffee. The server asked me if I was going to be having my usual, but I screamed “NO”. What a maniac- it’s 6:30pm, why would I be drinking coffee?! To stay up and tend to my meth lab? Lady this is Paris, give me a whisky because I miss America. I am drinking Johnnie Walker Red, maybe 2 ounces and at 8 euros a serving, I’m thinking that maybe I can get someone to buy it for me... just make eyes that suggest a blow job to this Frenchman who has been watching me since I came out of my Mother. Fucking perv, her dilated vagina being the only thing standing between him and date rape. That is figurative, of course, I always wear an imaginary mom’s vagina force field around me when I am still in love with my ex, the alcoholic I shouldn’t have romantic feelings towards. It does a really good job deflecting men’s advances, but a terrible job turning down alcohol.
I don’t really have unbearable romantic feelings towards my ex, I just like acting like an emotional cripple when I drink because I think it keeps me from falling into a relationship while my inhibitions are down. “How do you say ‘defense mechanism’ in French, Pierre? Here, tell my e-mail, I gotta go!” I like that I am painting myself as this elusive woman, when I am really just terrified and lonely (and actually painting pretty neurotic photos, besides). If I weren’t so transitory I would have 6 cats by now. They would be my babies because the ammonia in cat piss actually causes birth defects in real babies, and my substitute children can't go outside because a car or raccoon could kill them! I would have at least three litter boxes in my small apartment, so I should just stick with KITTIES, just so I don’t have RETARDS (take a lesson- poor people)! I will only get female cats and I will tell them that they are just like my mother when they ask for foot rubs.
Tonight, I am supposed to go to an absinthe bar, which I have never done... at least I don’t remember doing this, there are a lot of things I did that I don’t remember when I used exstacy with strippers in my early twenties. Today, I am a grown woman, although 20 year old me assumed I would be famous, married and perfect by now, but I stopped listening to 20 year old me any day now. Hopefully absinthe helps drown her out, but if eating doesn’t do it, I doubt casual sex will. Wait, what are YOU talking about?
Oh, Paris... right. I live here now and that means I go out with anybody who will talk to me and do whatever anybody is doing so that I can socialize and meet a soul mate- hopefully he has a cat and a large penis, but I’m okay with no pets too.
I did it, guys, I wrote... I focused and wrote this piece, a memoir of absolutely nothing important. I think this is the theme of my little, book project, which will make it insanely easy to finish by January. Just ask my ex, I rarely talk about anything terribly important, but I am great to have sex with. MEEEEOOOOOW!
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